You, too, can speak Tressel

COLUMBUS - Senator Tressel. How many times have you heard that?

When it comes to deflecting a question he doesn't like, Ohio State football coach Jim Tressel puts any of the participants in the presidential and vice-presidential debates to shame.

He's thrown more no-hitters in press conferences than Nolan Ryan did on baseball diamonds.

People ask me if it is frustrating to try to sort through his weekly discourses.

Not if you can translate Tressel.  It's a talent that can be acquired over the years.

So, as a service to Ohio State fans, I offer these actual reporters' questions, Tressel's actual answers to the questions and the translations of those answers from his weekly press conference on Tuesday.

Question: With nine starters back on this offensive unit, why are you having so much difficulty scoring touchdowns?

Answer: "Well, we're not ...I hate to say it, we're not executing. I wish there were something different than that."

Translation: "I'm Usain Bolt. You can't catch me."

Question: "Do you have any misgivings at all that perhaps you might have made a change at quarterback too soon for Terrelle (Pryor) and maybe that you could have gotten more out of Todd (Boeckman)?

Answer: "Do I have any misgivings? I'm not sure what a misgiving is."

Translation: "Misgivings this, paper boy. When have I made a mistake about playing the right quarterback? Except for that Bellisari thing. Except for Justin Zwick and Troy Smith. Uh-oh. Better distract them by asking for a definition of misgivings."

Question: What would be the right moment (to play Todd Boeckman)?

Answer: "You'll know the moment when it happens."

Translation: "I remember that song, ‘This Magic Moment,' from when I was in junior high. Who sang it, anyway? Oh yeah, it was Jay and the Americans."

Question: "How do guard against finger pointing?"

Answer: "Well, you hope you have the right kind of people, which I think we do. But I guess the only way you can avoid finger pointing is to be so focused on what you have to do to aid the cause and get better and not spend a whole bunch of time analyzing or talking with whomever about what may be the solution and control what you can control."

Translation: "First guy who points a finger and I find out about it spends Saturday afternoon standing next to me instead of playing."

Question: "With Michigan as your chief rival, do you get any enjoyment out of what's happening up there?"

Answer: "No, the Big Ten is what we're part of, and obviously, every time a Big Ten team plays another team, we want the Big Ten to win. And I know how hard it is to go in and transition a program."

Translation: "Woo-hoo. Love it. Hope the recruits saw that. Lloyd Carr sure knew when to retire."

Question: "What is it like coaching against a guy (Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio) that knows you so well?"

Answer: "From an X's and O's standpoint, it's not really an issue because he knows we're going to try to do what our guys can do and that's changed every year according to who's in the lineup and playing well, et cetera, et cetera."

Translation: "I love him like a brother. The brother I could always beat."

Question: "After the USC game, what is it that you saw the team needed that Terrelle brought that Todd did not bring? Was it change for change's sake or something else?"

Answer: "Well, it certainly wasn't change for change's sake. I can save you a little time there."

Translation: "Just go interview Rich Rodriguez if you want to ask me another quarterback question."